


Ever Present Feelings

by Nihonkikuasa211



Category: Code Black (TV)
Genre: Crying Neal, F/M, Heavy Angst, Pain, Past Relationship(s), Tag to 1x18, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-26
Updated: 2016-02-26
Packaged: 2018-05-23 06:51:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6108567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nihonkikuasa211/pseuds/Nihonkikuasa211
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After getting his heart torn out of him again, Neal goes to the roof of the hospital and thinks about his past relationships.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ever Present Feelings

**Author's Note:**

> I had a broken heart for only a day. It hurt so much, like there was a hole where my heart used to be. I tried to convey Neal's feelings regarding both of his relationships with Grace and Christa. I can't imagine what his heart, and Christa's heart, is going through right now.

_Ever Present Feelings_   

                       

            Neal could see the faint sun rising in the sky. His dark eyes normally followed the sun, admiring the faint glows of red and yellow and pink. But now, as he leaned against the fence on the roof of the hospital, his only thought remained on the…conversation he had with Christa.

            Neal almost wanted to laugh. Was it truly a conversation? What they had? _“I don’t want to be anyone’s second choice.”_ His fingers gripped the steel fence tightly, the metal coils cold against his skin. A hard lump, so hard he could barely swallow, came in his throat. _Why…_ he thought.

            _Why do I always,_ always _mess up?_ First with Grace. Then, with Christa. His list of relationships seemed to only serve as a reminder of his _incompetence_ with how they worked. Neal thought of how Christa had looked at him, telling him that she couldn’t do this anymore. How he wanted to chase after her. How he wanted to take her in his arms and tell her of how _much_ she meant to him.

            But he didn’t. Neal only stood there, watching as the brave, _strong_ , and beautiful Dr. Christa Lorenson walked away. Like the fool he was. Neal managed to swallow this time, saliva coating in the back of his throat as he thought of how he had simply stood where Christa had left him, eventually coming to his senses when Grace asked him if he was okay. The concern in her voice burned him, too hot and painful for him to look at her. To even say anything to the woman he had once wanted to marry, only nodding politely even though inwardly his mind only wanted to run to Christa. Wanted to do…so many things.

            When Grace had left, leaving his heart empty and torn from his chest, Neal hadn’t ever thought he would pursue a relationship again. Mike had told him again and again that he thought too much; felt too much. _“I just want to see you happy again, Neal.”_ The surgical attending would never forget of how Mike had driven from Washington D.C., to his then-hated Los Angeles to comfort the broken mess he had been. The younger doctor had called his friend with barely his sanity in check, tears finally choking him when he told the other man on the phone of how Grace…of how had rejected him; said no. She wasn’t ready. Grace Adams had more important things to do than to get tied down and married.

 _“I love her, Mike,”_ Neal had whispered hoarsely into the mobile. He could hear his uneven and catching breaths. _“I love her.”_ Somehow he had found himself in a dark alley, away from all the memories that he had made with Grace. Everything was too much. _“And yet, she…she…”_ Mike had calmly told him to calm down and breathe, telling him that he would be coming in a couple of hours from D.C. _“Don’t do anything stupid, okay, mate?”_ the older doctor had requested as Neal heard the jingle of car keys in his hand. Neal had brokenly laughed, hoarsely saying that he didn’t feel like he could _do_ anything stupid. Mike had stayed with him for the entire week. No questions asked, just stayed there to make certain that Neal was taking care of himself. The older Leighton had simply listened as Neal talked, raved, shouted, and started crying about the one woman who he had thought wanted to spend the rest of her life with him.

            Most people didn’t know of how his heart had been torn out of him when Grace had left. Some had a vague idea, with the faint listless expression that echoed across Neal’s face when he past Grace’s empty locker. But it was more painful than Neal had shown to anyone, except Mike. Only the now director of residency knew of how broken Neal was by Grace’s absence, by her refusal to marry him. Neal considered him a private person, and wouldn’t often allow his personal emotions to show during a situation such as that. Mike had explained it perfectly, when he had left and embraced Neal.

            _“You hold your emotions together until there’s nothing left but a gaping hole of agony and pain. That’s not healthy, mate.”_ Mike’s troubled blue eyes bored into Neal’s wide own, holding him close as he whispered quietly. _“You’re so private…so sensitive…that you lock it all inside until you can’t hold in anymore.”_ His first friend in the place he considered home sighed and looked at Neal seriously. _“I hope you find a person who can be true to yourself to.”_

Neal never thought he would fall as hard and as fast when he had met Christa Lorenson. The feeling he had experienced before resurfaced, with such an intensity that he almost told himself to stop whatever he was feeling. Every moment he spent with Christa, and just by being with her, was like a breath a fresh air. It was like almost like a dream of what he felt for the woman who had lost so much. It came to him suddenly, after the day he had almost lost his mother, that he wanted to take away Christa’s pain. Every pain and agony that she felt towards her son that Neal had not had the pleasure to know, he wanted to take away. He wanted to see her smile, to hear her laugh…to make certain that she would never have to experience pain again. There was a part of Neal that wanted to stop what he was feeling, to _stop_ whatever path he was on. But it didn’t matter.

            What he felt for Grace was different from what he felt for the present woman who had, again, made him feel as his heart had been ripped from his chest. _Passionately, madly, deeply, deliriously…_ Neal thought as he squinted faintly at the sun. Heat pooled in his chest at the memory of his and Christa’s first kiss. He remembered of how his forehead had brushed against hers, their breaths breathing as one as Neal desperately tried to comfort the woman he had come to realize he loved. His breath hitched at the thought of that precious moment, so far away from him now as the attending stood alone.

            His hands managed to not shake as he pulled out a small photograph. Neal had never told anyone of how he had taken a copy of the annual photograph of the new group of residents at Angles. The attending licked his lips as he spotted Christa’s smile, looking beautiful even after her first day at Angles. She had stood toward the back, so that only a very small part of the original photo remained. Neal swallowed and cleared his throat, but the pain…wouldn’t go away.

            Why didn’t he tell her about Grace? He should have told her everything, put it all on the table, so that she would have no worries that Grace was his _past._ He should have told Christa that he didn’t love Grace anymore, the confused and hurt words his former… that _she_ had stated burned in his mind, making him what to laugh in mockery and pain. _Yes, I’m still mad. After you left me…after you tore open my heart and telling me that you didn’t want to marry me, I was_ hurt _Grace. I hurt so much. And yet, you come back, with a smile, greeting me as if it never happened, as if we were still together. There was_ no us _after you made it clear…that I loved you more than you loved me!_ Anger and something else tore through Neal’s veins, making him grip the fence tighter and almost causing his palms to bleed. _I should have told her about how I felt about Grace leaving, instead of allowing Christa to live in the dark. I should have…I should have told her…_

A choked sob caught in Neal’s throat, and moist eyes looked toward the sky. How could it possibly so beautiful today? The pain was more than he had imagined it to be. It hurt.

            It hurt so much.

            _Nothing_ had hurt so much as this.

            Not even Grace leaving for Haiti and refusing his proposal never hurt this much.

            There was nothing but pain. Neal’s entire world was pain, wounds bleeding and soaking inside of where his heart had been. He felt his breath caught in his throat, his breathing becoming erratic as his dark eyes saw the image of Christa in his hands. Neal breathed heavily, catching his breath long enough to remember the first night he had spent with Christa. He had thought he would never know happiness like that. What he had with Grace…he had never felt so happy for someone to be by his side, sleeping across from him, watching her sleep. Drinking her in.

            Falling in love, again, as he watched the blond woman tell him that there was no time for breakfast, her fingers that he had been stroking so gentle previously gently smooth against his back, and her nose pressed against his arm. The kiss that made him want to do it all over again in a heartbeat. The memory of Christa’s face as she told him she was not going to a second option, haunting, finally caused the fury of emotions inside Neal to break as he started to cry.

            He remembered her laugh as they had kissed in his apartment. Neal remembered of how he had smiled, hearing such a beautiful sound from Christa’s lips, and wanting to hear it again. But since Grace, the laughter and happiness had been vacant from her eyes. _It’s my fault,_ Neal continued to think as he felt tears trail down his cheeks and a sob burning in his chest. _I should have told you everything, and now…_ A sob, wet and violent, escaped from him, and Neal felt his eyes close shut as he tried in vain to prevent the tears from continuing.

            _And now it’s over. Before it even began…it’s over._

Neal just wanted to take away her pain. But it turned out that he was as capable of creating pain as Grace was. He had hurt her. Neal had wanted to hold her, to love her.

            But now he wouldn’t even have the chance again.

            It felt as if pain was all he was aware of.

            But his heart, although torn from his chest, was still making it so that he could live.


End file.
